I haven't had chocolate in a month. I had to go to the hospital in early December for a procedure on my stomach, my dog had emergency surgery, it snowed, and then I got the flu. A lot has happened in a month but the worst of it has been the fact that I haven't had any chocolate.
It's been a year to the date that Yik Yak closed up shop. I took some time to reflect on what I learned during my time there that helped mold me into the person I am today.
The first time someone called me "Coach Nikki" was in the 7th grade; half of my life that's been my identity. Unfortunately, half of my life I've also been battling this disorder. And my biggest fear is that I've let it affect the girls that I've coached.
I almost didn't write this. Because the stories I've read have been so different from mine; I didn't want anyone to think that I was trying to paint myself into a narrative where I didn't really belong. I didn't want anyone to roll their eyes and think I was trying to stay relevant or keep …
Do not throw up. Do not throw up. Do not throw up. I repeated this phrase over and over to myself for 45 minutes straight as I stared at myself in the mirror. This time, it wasn't because I had eaten an entire pizza and I was trying to keep myself from purging. No, this time it was because I was in the middle of the hardest workout I had ever done in my entire life. I honestly felt like I was going to barf at any minute, but I also felt alive.
After I posted my first blog, I felt on top of the world. I had so much encouragement and support flooding in – from people I didn’t even expect. I was beyond overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. I went the next week or so looking at myself in the mirror differently. I talked to my therapist with confidence. I walked with my head a little higher. I did it. I thought to myself. I’ve overcome this battle. And then…
My wedding anniversary is this week. In the spirit of celebration and love, and keeping my promise of being honest & vulnerable in the hopes of helping others: here is the story of how I shit my pants on my wedding day.